In the past week I have ridden a horse, again.
With my knee brace on and my heart in my throat. I have never felt so scared on a horse before. All my years of riding especially those spent with my hot,hot,hot thoroughbred mare have taught me how to ride calm while I'm freaking inside so the ride looks good to those watching but I wish I felt that way.
What horse have I ridden? This is a sale horse that my trainer called me out of the blue about. The horse showed up earlier in the month as a sale prospect. Nobody was even thinking of me as a prospective buyer until somebody mentioned it. My trainer began paying more attention to this horse and noticed how bombproof he was. He wasn't sure if I was even interested in looking, but this horse has kind of landed out of the blue and seems like an opportunity I shouldn't ignore.
He called me about the horse again when he was at a horse show where they brought the horse for one of the barn girls to just try him and see what he would do. Seems the horse was cantering on the rail when the guy delivering soda drove up, parked his truck next to the fence and lifted the back door of the truck just as this horse went by. And the horse just cantered calmly past as the metal door rattled up loudly right next to him. So my trainer says please just come out to the barn and look at him while one of the barn girls rides him and if I think I want to try riding him then he'll help me get on (and get off, dismounting with one good knee and one unpredictable one is also scary.)
And I am a sucker. Both times I've ridden him he's been very sweet. He's a gelding, comfy as a couch to ride, 6 or 7 years old and a little under 16.2 hands tall with a nice chunky build. He seems broke well in the basics but still green. I'm the friggin' mess. Four months nursing my knee has left me out of shape and the nerves expended when I'm in the saddle just drain me more. I'm scared of something happening and this knee either getting messed up further or causing something else to happen and I get more hurt. What am I doing? I'm supposed to have knee surgery and then rehab and then consider riding again.
I am afraid to admit I like this horse. And if he actually passes a vet and we can negotiate the price where I'm comfortable then what? I buy a horse, ride him for a few weeks, have surgery and hope my trainer will get one of his girls to exercise him so he stays in "horse with a job" mode? Where the hell was this horse four months ago? I'd be headed toward my first hunter pace this fall if he'd shown up then and this unfortunate mess hadn't happened to me.
So what do I do? I am so conflicted. :(
And I'm headed to the barn to ride him again tonight.