I know I should probably just have him put down. But Rugby is still here. Yes, they did administer Banamine yesterday afternoon and when I got to the barn last night, he was standing, walked out of his stall with me and down to the grass and hand grazed happily for about 40 minutes. But then when I put him back in the stall, he stood and I could see by the way he became very quiet with his ears slightly back and how he kept shifting his feet that his insides were bothering him again.
I expected a call this morning that he didn't make it through the night. But he did and was out in his turn out paddock at 9:00AM today. I walked down to see him and put his fly mask on as the small gnats were annoying the poor guy. When I work around him and interact with him, he still wants to interact with me. I can obviously see and feel he's not well but I don't feel that will to live is gone. But is he really living now or just existing? God, I don't know.
I contacted the woman with the farm in upstate NY and she has agreed to take him and keep him in her small quarantine pasture with a shed and watch him. I trust this person completely with his care but I'm having difficulty in saying it's a done deal as it will require a long trailering to get him there. Even though I will hire a trailering service to ship him in a box stall gooseneck so he has some comfort level, I don't know if he can handle it at this point. What happens if he colics and dies on the trailer? How horrible for him and what will it cost me to have the trailering service handle that?
I don't want to be ungrateful to her but I am also reaching out to people I trust here and seeing if there's something for him closer to home.
Should I even do this at all? Would it be more peaceful to end it for him here, in familiar surroundings with people he knows? Or do I take the chance and send him away, not feeling well, into a strange new situation, however kind and safe? Am I only hanging on because I have run up HUGE vet bills for my budget and if I lose him I have NOTHING. I have no savings to try and find a new horse but debt that still must be paid. Will I ever be able to own a riding horse again?
Every time I think I can let go, he shows just a little more heart, and acts a little like himself and then I'm torn apart again. Even though I've had to have my past two horses put down, I just KNEW that they had come to the time to let them go. Both circumstances told me immediately my only option. And though it hurt, I was at peace with my decision. I have no clarity, no answers and no peace.