Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Melancholy rant

"But O, how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes." - William Shakespeare - beautifully said by the bard.

Every morning on the way to work I drive past the riding stable down the street from the vet's barn where I was boarding at. And every day I see riders working with their horses in the morning. And every day I am reminded of what I seem unable to have. And it really hurts. I am trying to be upbeat, but let's face it, There is a level of bitterness that I cannot deny.

I have been slowly removing all the horse related emails I'd get from tack and gear retailers. I don't want to know what's new. There's no point, really. I'm trying to clean up my FaceBook page and "unlike" a bunch of horse related sites. I don't want to know about what's new there, either.

I'm still going to ride the horse my trainer suggested this Friday. If I like him, I'll try the half boarding situation. But I have owned my own horse for the past 35 years. Hard to swallow I have to play by someone elses' rules with their horse. Depending on how much freedom I am given with the horse, this will either work for me or not. And I can't shake my dream of foxhunting and I still love the hunter paces which I will never be able to do in this arrangement.

I hate that I am tall and have a large frame. The same problem is going to haunt me until I give this up. I need a big horse. But there are many more affordable horses available that I could even consider if I could ride something between 15.2 and 16.1 hands. If I was about 5'6 and smaller, I might even have been able to find a sound, younger riding horse that I could have adopted. The big ones are hard to find.

I spent so much money trying to save Rugby that the thing I feared has happened to me. I lost him. I owe a lot of money and have nothing. I woudn't wish my luck on anyone.

In a dark place, and bitter. Thank you William Shakespeare for saying it better than ever I could.

17 comments:

Kate said...

I have nothing to offer in terms of comfort, except to wait, and rest and find pleasure when and where you can - have no expectations and let things unfold. Sending best wishes.

English Rider said...

You have been doing a great job of putting on a strong face but it is obvious that hurt, pain and loss have cut deep wounds. It really is unfair that you have had such an accumulation of bad luck stretching over such a long time period.
Sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and drag ourselves forward. A better day must come sometime. Thinking of you.xx

SolitaireMare said...

Thank you, Kate and English Rider. I don't know what else to say but thanks for thinking of me and pulling for me. Wanting to stay hopeful but it's just hard.

Mare said...

I can't even pretend to understand your situation. You're in a dark place and you hurt. You miss your boy. Sometimes, though, the best thing we can do is keep going and keep breathing. Sometimes that's all we can do. I'm sorry you're having a rough patch, but just keep going, and sooner than later it'll be your day to shine again. Sending many good thoughts and many good wishes!

Mrs Mom said...

Be strong. Time heals many things, or at least makes them easier to bear.


I can offer a shoulder, an ear, and empathy. My Good Horse left me four years ago. I know all too well how you are feeling.

We're here for you.

Heather said...

The cycles of grief are horrid but unfortunately you must go through them all to come out stronger on the other end. I can't believe that after all you have been through that there has to be some huge silver lining that is waiting for you....I know nothing I can say will help but just know that "EVERYTHING happens for a reason" and Rugby needed YOU. And you were there for him when he needed someone to help him regardless of what type of help he needed. I can only hope to be as strong as you have been these past few months if I am ever faced with the same choice.

Keep writing and we'll keep reading. Hopefully it's therapy.

Heather

Jean said...

I am keeping you in my heart. There is a horse out there for you and he may well come to you in a most unexpected way.

You have every reason to feel bitter and betrayed by fate. I know how long it took you to find Rugby and how much you have sacrificed trying to save him. You gave your heart and soul to it.

But I always keep wondering if God chooses certain people to bear the burden of giving that kind of love to an animal because it's how He cares for them, knowing we are strong enough to recover to love again.

I'll be here to listen and to understand your pain. I hope being able to express yourself here will help at least a little.

Once Upon an Equine said...

I'm sorry for the devastating & hurtful events you've been through. Allow yourself time to grieve. You are grieving the loss of Rugby and grieving lost expectations and grieving the financial blow as well. That's a lot to cope with. Give yourself time and don't make a big decision either way for awhile (about riding or not riding) It will become clearer as your heart begins to heal.

SolitaireMare said...

The hardest thing is, it's not just about losing Rugby. It's only a year and a half since I had to have Monty euthanized. Losing 2 horses, one of which was the greatest horse friend I ever had, in such a short time has messed me up really bad. I was just starting to let go of Monty and enjoy working with Rugby and then he got sick and never recovered. I have moments where I can't get rid of the "why me?" blues.
I just feel like I must have done something terribly, terribly wrong to have this awful luck dropped on me. I just want a horse of my own, to enjoy riding and doing what I have dreamed of doing for however many years of riding I have left. If I was in my 20's, time off would be insignifigant. I am 45 years old. Time lost riding and staying fit at 45 is time I can't get back.

Marissa said...

I don't blame you for having the "why me?" blues. I would too. It's perfectly natural. The best thing I can tell you is don't be too hard on yourself -- let yourself mope a little if that's what you need to do right now. There's no shame in it. And if you have moments where you can have a laugh or enjoy yourself a little, take advantage of those moments. Hang in there.

Jean said...

I remember too well how I felt when I lost my Si to colic surgery after owning him for only six weeks. It was only after I found the faith to believe that he had been mine so he could have a loving home for the time left to him that I found some kind of comfort. The "Why me?" kind of turned into..."Me, because I was the only one who ever could have loved and appreciated him as he deserved."

Maybe, just maybe, you can find some solace in thinking that about both your sweet boys. No one else in the world could ever have cared for them as you did, so it was never, ever about something wrong you had done, but instead, about something right.

Please, please, stop thinking you have failed somewhere. I've followed your blog for a while. As far as horses are concerned, you have been one of their angels.

Kat said...

Hang in there... I remember how hard it was when I lost my sweet little mustang. I was fortunate to have another horse but she was the first one I bought. I didn't feel like riding for months.

There is another special friend out there just waiting for you... and they'll be a lucky one. Patience is the only advice I have for you. Don't give up horses... life is too short to live without them:-)

OnTheBit said...

I am with everyone else is saying that you are totally allowed to have a pity right now! Not only did you loose Monty, but you had a horse who you never really even got to ride very much yet who cost you an arm and a leg. Leasing sucks after you have had your own horse but...it is better than not riding. Trust me on that one from personal experience. The way I got through leasing Phoenix was the mantra "he is not my horse and I am letting it go". It can be fun to not have to worry about every little detail. Lost shoe? No problem, the owner deals with it...not you. Torn blanket? Again, not your problem. The tag line to my blog was "The tales of a rider with very bad horse luck" because in the span of `14 months Gen got hurt, I lost two horses I had been riding and my first real lease fell through. I used to swear that Gen just didn't want me to ride any horse that was not him :P Eventually my luck changed. I don't know how or when, but things just started to not fall apart anymore. I hope that this half works out...it is different than having your own...but it really can be just as much fun. Plus, it is not like it is forever. Even if you just do it for a few months you can then think about getting yourself a fox hunter. I would say that I will keep an ear out for a nice bg fox hunter for you, but I think I am going to keep my mouth shut this time around!

Mrs Mom said...

What Jean said.

Amen.

Cousin B said...

You're entitled and it's expected to feel this way...I'm sorry you are hurting. You've been through alot. I will be praying that you will find the strength to look for brighter things in the future,and think about the great things that you did get to share with Rugby.

JennyB said...

If reading all of this is breaking my heart I can't begin to imagine how shattered yours must be at this point! Everything that's happened isn't fair at all and I wish there was some way to fix it for you. All I can say is I'm so sorry, I hope you're feeling better soon, and I hope you're able to come post again soon.

Breathe said...

When horses are your escape from pain an suddenly become the center of it, it's a difficult place.

No one can say what is the best route for you to take, but I do hope you find yourself on the back of a horse very soon, one that fits your emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual needs.

Because these days I don't doubt there's a horse out there that needs you too...