Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Not in a good place

I am not doing well. Too much pressure. I have to travel this weekend to Houston for another trade show. I'm not fond of traveling any more. My mind is all over the place. I had a bad melt down last night over Monty's death after I received the bill for his euthanasia. Hell, tomorrow is one week since he's been gone and I'm so under the gun with other things I don't know which end is up.

I had forgotten all the work that goes into buying a horse. It's not as fun as it sounds. Especially when your funds are severely limited. The weather here is so cold and the ground so frozen that I couldn't ride anything I went to look at unless it was at an indoor anyway. And I have no time to look because work is getting in my way. And to top it all off, I'm getting sick again and found out I have strep throat.

Any more bad luck? What next? At this point it wouldn't surprise me.

I think I'm going to disappear for awhile.


English Rider said...

Dear Horseless One,
It sounds very reasonable to be down, especially if you are sick as well. Wallowing is a required investment in your future mental health sometimes. Demand hugs, and hot chocolate with cream and the liqueur of your choice. Look at old photos and give yourself a break. Why must you find another horse so quickly? Spring will be here soon and all kinds of equines will cross destinies with yours. Take a breath. Warm thoughts go out to you.

Heather said...

When it rains it pours..but someday there will be a silver lining. I check in every day to see if you've found a new pony! Good luck and take care of yourself!


WarPony said...


You've held it together remarkably well, all things considered. It's only natural to have some tough times. Getting that bill is a natural time to have a melt down. Heck, I just found a copy of the bill from when I had my Jamie put down two years ago mixed in with my old bills and fell apart all over again.

Take all the time you need.

OnTheBit said...

Well I don't blame you for wanting to take some time away.And isn't it crazy how much it costs to put a horse down? I think you were past due for a meltdown anyway. Take care of yourself and I have my feelers out. The only horse I know of is crazy expensive for what he is. He is a hunter though that does awesome until you hit the 3 foot mark in the ring. He is sane and safe as can be and loves trail riding and hunter pacing and could do lower level dressage no problem, but he had a bone chip last year and they will want full asking price for him. Which is way too much. Anyway take some time away from the endless ads and just get your brain back to the place of wanting to take the next step. I hope you at least get to enjoy some warm air while you are working in Texas!

English Rider said...

Extract from a tribute to Gin Fizz, by Laurie. Full text at www.ahrn.org/gin/gin.html
For if the horse be well remembered, if sometimes she runs through your dreams actual as in life, eyes kindling, questing, asking, laughing, it matters not at all where that horse sleeps at last: on a hill where the wind is unrebuked and the trees are roaring; or beside a stream she knew; or somewhere in the flatness of a pasture land where most exhilarating cattle drive.
It is all one to the horse and all one to you, and nothing is gained and nothing is lost-if memory lives.
But there is one best place to bury a horse. One place that is best of all. If you bury her in this spot-the secret of which you must already know, she will come to you when you call-come to you over the grim, dim frontiers of death, and down the well remembered path and to your side again.
And though you call a dozen living horses, they should not be threatened, nor resent her coming, for she is yours and she belongs here. People may scoff at you, who see no lightest blade of grass bent by her hoof, who hear no high pitched whinny too fine for mere audition; people who have never really loved an animal.
Smile at them then, for you shall know something that is hidden from them and which is well worth knowing.
The best place to bury a horse is in the heart of her master.

Amy Jo said...

i feel terrible for you. maybe you need to take a horse break to grieve over monty. clear your head. save money in a new horse account? what about adopting a horse? there are tall, sound horses looking for loving homes. peace and love.

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Awwww, hang in there, my friend. It's just the dip in the loop before the roller coaster swings back up again. Everyone's feeling rough right now, all the festive holiday stuff is over, and we're ready for Spring and riding....

But it's actually 'hump day', or the Wednesday of Winter. We're rdight smack dab in the middle right now.

Do you have to go horse shopping so soon after Monty's death? Every horse you ride, when the ground is finally unfrozen, will make you compare it to your dear Monty. It's so soon and your heart is still fragile and broken.

Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself.

Take some Zicam, drink lots of tea, and munch some chocolate. Feel better soon, ok?


allhorsestuff said...

I am soo sorry and I have to tell you that I have been awoken from sleep for thinking of you and Monty's passing. I wondered how things were. Do take it easy on yourself, and take All the time it takes and maybe it will take a lifetime too..loss can effect us in time release affects. There are No rules on grieving ya know..you make them as it goes.
So sorry for the pressure that don't wait while you are low. Crap happenings!
We all are for you and are feeling it too...Some day it will be my Wa and it makes me sad but, someone like you will come along side me then I hope.
Please take your time..and heal, rest if you can. I know work is work and sick is no fun.
I am rambling and jsut really want to say I am sorry again.

Horseypants said...

Actually, you're sounding very normal--the big meltdown was bound to come along sooner or later. Horse shopping is not easy but will be worth it in the end. Plus this cold weather is the perfect time to just look...plenty of time to sort out all your options. Hope you're feeling better.

Leslie Sealey said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find some quiet time for yourself and heal. Best wishes in finding a new horse; take your time and you'll know when it's the right one.

C-ingspots said...

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to lose a loved one - whether it is family or a friend. The reality of your loss will take a while to sink in. Like you've just said - it's only been a week. I think you need some time for yourself to grieve. Time away from all those pressures/stresses from life that seem too overwhelming to you right now. Is it possible for you to take a few days for yourself?? Sometimes it's ok to hide from the world and cry or "lick our wounds" or just a day where you don't have to think about anything or anybody. You deserve that time to grieve and to reflect on the loss of your beautiful Monty. Sending you warm, loving hugs from someone who understands just how you're feeling.

20 meter circle of life said...

take it easy and I hope you are back soon!

allhorsestuff said...

How you doing there?
Been thninking about you and hope the trip was bearable and now over!

Anonymous said...

What is wrong with Belle?

Best, Punchy! said...

OH HONEY!!! You are coming to Houston? Gosh, you wouldn't be that far from me, oh...the possibilites!

I know how tough it is for you right now, please know you are in my prayers and wish you peace.

In the meantime, come over to my place, I have a little "something" for you!

BIG hugs~

Horseypants said...

Hope you are hanging in there. Don't give up.

Promise said...

I keep checking back, because I'm hoping you're feeling better. (hug) Hang in there, it gets easier day by day.

"Ice Pony Girl" said...

How ya doing?? hang in here!!!! {{{HUGS}}}

wilsonc said...

You sound completely overwhelmed with grief and stress. It is so understandable. Especially now that you are feeling sick too. I am so sorry for your loss. I am wondering if you can swing paying for that empty stall for a few more months. You would have done it if Monty were in it. Right now, instead of thinking of it as paying for nothing, think of it as giving yourself some time to grieve. Be kind to yourself. I don't want to see you lose the stall, or the barn, or the friends you have made at the barn...even just the casual ones. Right now you have had enough loss. If you can swing it just hang in there. Give yourself 3-4 months and look for a horse during that time. Any decisions you need to make may be easier in May than they are right now.